I – Preliminary diagnosis
|Spiritits||chronic clannish mentality|
|The Spiritonauts:||sufferers of Spiritits (Somali men)|
|The Spirits||Ultra-ancestral emissions that are visible only to the eyes of the Spiritonauts|
|The Body||Somali people|
|The Organs||Clans, Sub clans, etc.|
Somali proverb says “Old sheep’s eyes see the sky only after it is slaughtered”. The sudden outbreak of the Somali quake (i.e. civil war of 1991) had caught us by surprise. Since then, we, the spiritonauts, are still debating about the never ending aftershocks. Are we experiencing the wrath of God? Is it the outcome of the arrested metamorphosis of the spiritonauts during the pupa stage? Are we suffering from mysterious mental disorder caused by the disposal of the nuclear wastes in our country?
Is it the result of a long term objective of UN conspiracy (Unisom reloaded and remixed as Amisom!)? Is it a classified US revenge based on “Black hawk down”? Could it be a disguised neo-paternalism from Britain and Italy? Is it the outcome of the Arab league which has forsaken the spiritonauts? Has an evil eye of envious poor country cast a spell on us? Are we in a gradual process of extinction? Perhaps the answer lies between all and none of the above.
The essay consists of three parts: I- Preliminary diagnosis. II- Origin, symptoms and complications. III – Shock therapy. It contains fictional medical terms, diseases, hospital, city and an imaginary ritual named “Baby branding”. The essay is intended as a purgative pill for the Somali intellectuals, thinkers, politicians and religious scholars. It may cause unpleasant reactions to sensitive Somalis. Every medicine has its side effects. Truth causes fear upon men but it doesn’t kill them as the Somali saying goes.
I thank the almighty God, who inspired me with the idea of this essay. I hope that it will serve as a labour inducing medicine (Foolkeento) for the rebirth of Somalia.
Cautionary note for the Spiritonauts: “I, alone, wrote this essay. My ancestral spirits (Rooxaantayda) have nothing to do with it. Please, let them rest in peace”. I mean it! Don’t laugh!!
During the last 15 years, I became deeply engaged about finding the cause of the Somali quake. I have devoured and pondered over many textbooks, journals and pamphlets of the following school subjects: Archeology, Astrology, Conspiracy theories for dummies, Cosmology, Ethnology, Etiology, Exorcism, Genealogy, Geology, Geopolitics, Globalization, Historical linguistics, Leakiology, Medicine, Population genetics, Psychiatry, Sociobiology, Terrorism and Zoology.
The constant concern about the Somali quake and the ongoing aftershocks has affected and infiltrated my dreams. I used to get four or five dreams every night. In my last dream, I was sitting on a chair, reading a psychiatry book. My eyes got tired after reading for a long time. Then I put my head on the table and closed my eyes.
After a short time I got a dream. A dream inside my dream! It was a black and white 3D dream coming from a small oval screen. I was walking inside the International psychiatric hospital in Eurowood. Most of the patients in the hospital were Africans and Arabs. A nurse told me that, doctors and politicians from forty countries were in the hospital. They wanted to decide about the fate of the patient of the century. I went to the auditorium of the hospital and saw him confined to a bed.
He was talking continuously. “I am ‘Cududyahan’, the Upper arm sub clan of the mighty Left arm-clan, I do not belong to this accursed patient lying in the bed“, “I am ‘Ciribyahan’, the Right calcareous! Most of you know me as the Heel Bone clan! I will not help or support the weight of this damned body anymore!”, “I am ‘Lafdhabaryahan’, the Backbone clan, without my help, this patient cannot rise up from the bed”. At last, a nurse put a duck tape on his mouth.
After a long discussion, a doctor told the delegates that the condition of the patient has improved slightly and that he can stand and walk alone, if the organs of his body allow the brain to resume its function as the body’s decision-maker and communication center. Majority of the organs has rejected the brain! The patient has refused to take the prescribed anti rejection medications.
Some of the politicians were arguing and saying, “The patient should leave the hospital after few months. Taxpayers are complaining! He should take his medicine and leave the hospital within the shortest possible time. He can walk with the aid of crutches!” I liked their arguments and started to smile.
Suddenly, I heard another doctor saying: “Today, we inform the international community that we have succeeded in finding the appropriate medicine for the patient of the century. It is good news for the spiritonauts and a needed relief for the international community. The case of this patient was new to us. We have seen something peculiar about him. Although his brain was in a coma, most of his organs were functioning through bootable external USB stimuli ((i.e. international community).
“An unknown and non fatal substance in his body has benumbed the functions of the synapses. When we tried to treat the synapses, the nervous system of the patient started to improve. Then we discontinued the medication, after we realized its subsequently dangerous side effects. If the patient’s nervous system starts to function as it was 30 years ago, then he will be liable to show signs of a disease that is similar to DMS (delusional misidentification syndrome). His organs may restart self-mutilation, sudden irrational behavior or an extreme desire to harm or offend other bodies (i.e. neighboring countries)”.
“Therefore, in consideration of that, we have prescribed “Federacetomol tablets” for the patient. Six months of dual-track medication through the patient’s body map (roadmap) would be enough. Doctors from USA, UK, Italy, Norway, Turkey, China, Egypt, Iran and Qatar will make monthly controls and monitoring. The medicine will help his brain and his organs to work together by means of Federal nervous system “.
The shock from those last statements caused my body to tremble. Both my overlapped dreams came to an abrupt end and I woke up.
Culturally correct insanity (Part II)
Culturally correct insanity (Part III)
Hashi Yassin Osman